What I would tell my Dad 10 years after his death

A decade has passed since my dad died of colorectal cancer. He battled the disease for 4 years, until my sister and I were 11 and 13, respectively. It seems like a good time to reflect a bit here in writing, because that is what he did until his last days on his blog, Penmachine.

Although the last 10 years have felt long, taking up the entirety of my teen years and early 20s, it is hard to believe it has been that many. I feel lucky that his voice and image still exists online. Even though some parts fade from my memory, what sticks is his legacy, personality, and how great of a dad he was.

I learned so much about Dad in the years after his death. As all of our childhoods are only half-cognizant, it makes sense that as I came of age, I absorbed so much about him through stories. I am eternally grateful for the fact that I will continue to learn about him, and what he means to me.

In coping with the immense, multi-layered grief that comes with losing a parent at 13, I sometimes find myself having a “conversation” with him. It is one-sided most of the time, but when significant things happen in my life or in the world, I simply imagine myself telling him. And I know that if he could, he would sit and listen to my stories, asking good questions. Dad was endlessly curious, which showed in his writing and our actual conversations. I’ve become curious too, in my own Marina way.

Here I will share some things I would tell him today, because that is what I want to do. Each of our experiences grieving Derek is different, and I want you to sit in that and heal the way you need to. I know this is a difficult thing to face, even a decade gone.

What I would tell my Dad 10 years later

The day after you died, it was a calm, sunny day. The entire family came over and we sat in the sun. It was beautiful.

I was really nervous to start high school, but I found my footing soon enough. I met a couple new friends who I think you would find charming and funny. I am even closer now with Madi from down the street.

On Mom’s birthday in 2011, Tarya had a baby named Alex. He has brought so much energy and light into our lives. Nowadays, Angelyna, Mer, and I have become close friends. She is turning 17.

Lauren changed her name to Meredith. I will definitely credit myself as the first person to fully make the transition – probably because I say (yell) her name the most.

Writing has become one of my greatest strengths. I hope to nail down the details and nuances that make great work.

When I was 14, I bought my own camera. Similar to the first camera you and Mom got me, I could barely keep it out of my hands. My friends and I acted in tens of videos over the summers, which I learned to edit and nearly fried my MacBook with. I also learned the basics of your Nikon D90. It did hurt a bit when I realized I had uploaded more photos to my Flickr page than you had. I feel immensely connected to you when I take photos at family gatherings.

The USA legalized same-sex marriage in 2012 [edit: 2015!]. In many countries you can still be arrested for it.

In the same year, I saw Paul McCartney – the best gift I’ve received. I cried during The End, wishing you were next to me.

In the last several years, a major movement called #BlackLivesMatter has emerged, using the internet and the streets to mobilize calls-to-action against police brutality. It has sadly been needed just as actively now as it did at the start, if not more-so. In 2020, the most heartbreaking and public murder of an unarmed Black man, George Floyd, has started to push the rusty gears in a system of oppression. His murderer was found guilty on all charges, but that is not enough. We need to replace the gears altogether. Issues like these have become very important to me after taking classes like Social Justice 12 and Indigenous Studies. I believe if one is silent on issues of equity in our communities, we are being inherently violent.

It was hard coming of age without you to talk to when I was sad, angry, or confused.

I don’t know how to put this lightly, but Donald Trump was the President of the United States from 2016-2020. He wreaked havoc on climate and immigration policy, and fuelled the largest ideological division in modern American history. We are only just coming out on the other side, and it will take many years to see a better world arise, though some do not have hope for this.

Most of us wear wireless headphones these days. They are AWESOME.

There has been a major wave of people from Film, Comedy, TV, and the Internet being publicly condemned and convicted for sexual crimes. The reputation of some of these people in the industry were long-known, but people across the world are refusing to stay silent. It is an inspirational movement called #MeToo, because we all have similar stories. I know you would write about this and support it, because you were an awesome “girl dad”.

I finally got into Star Wars. I wish I liked it earlier, so we could have shared it. They made a whole new trilogy which is criticized, but those people don’t get that SW is supposed to be cheesy and campy. I think you would have like them.

Mom did a great job teaching me how to drive, taking me every step of the way, with the exception of one terrifying high-speed parking lesson from a guy named Gurvinder.

In 2015, Apple transitioned from having people just buy music on iTunes to a new platform called Apple Music – a streaming service you pay for monthly with access to unlimited music. This changed my life, because I had unrestricted access to dive into discographies for bands I already loved. It also let me embrace pop, R&B, soul, Disco, and lots of other genres. Music is another way I feel connected to you, and I will for the rest of my life. The Beatles are still my favourite, and I don’t think that will change.

A great Social Studies teacher encouraged me to take Geography 12. If not for his encouragement and passion for the subject, I would not have ended up where I am today. I decided to go to SFU and study the Environment. I care deeply about the world, and I realized my calling was to understand the mysterious and awe-inspiring systems which make it go ’round.

I got tall, like 5’8” tall! I am a glamazonian goddess.

Most people are on their phones interacting with social media on an hourly basis. There are lots of new platforms which have taken the world by storm, affecting how we socialize, learn, and even influencing the music charts. There are tens of streaming services for TV and movies, and they RULE OUR LIVES (muahaha). iPhones are still the most popular, but companies like Google and Samsung have made just as good smartphones, if not better.

I became really involved in my student union and other clubs in university, including Papa’s astronomy club, which we attended monthly for several years. RASC even flew Mer and I to Toronto to speak with the National Youth Committee, and now I help them with Inclusivity and Diversity efforts.

In 2017, I drove two university friends and Meredith to Oregon, and we saw a full Solar Eclipse. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

On the topic of science, I did not get Mom’s knack for math. In recent months, I have even considered pursuing a career in communications, and my climate science test scores would agree that is a good way to go.

We are at a definite “tipping point” for the climate. It is too depressing to go into detail, and it is one thing I am glad you do not have to bear. But electric cars are pretty common now. And Vancouverites use the existing Skytrain lines and lots of new B-Lines to get around.

I feel powerful and more secure with my body, mind, and self every day.

In my late teens I decided the anxiety I have been carrying my whole life was not acceptable, and I finally started a treatment process that has made me enjoy life so much more. It is ongoing, and likely will be forever.

Another important realization: I am queer, how fun! Letting people know that, and embracing an amazing community of people like me, has made life sweeter.

Meredith got a few tattoos, including one of you holding her.

Meredith and I are best friends. We spend most days talking, eating, adventuring, seeing movies, watching YouTube, singing, and laughing. I know it will be one of the strongest and most enduring relationships in both of our lives. She is so smart, and SO much cooler than me.

During university, I decided to do a program where I could do full-time work terms in my field. I worked for TransLink one summer as a computer mapper, and even worked at the Airport for 8 months! This has been a defining process for my professional development, and realizing that I can sort of be an extrovert if I try hard enough. It has also made me feel so ready to enter the workforce this fall. I am really excited.

There were several years where our home was quiet, tense, and sombre. But a new light came in and warmed everything up: Peter. Mom ended up marrying one of her old coworkers, which is super cute and has been a true gift. One of the things I am most proud of in my life is being the eldest of four! My two new siblings are now 14 and 17 – though they were a little smaller when we met. Having three more people to love has made my heart grow three sizes, not unlike The Grinch.

The most important part of this chapter is seeing Mom feel secure. Her happiness has been a big factor in my healing. Living with someone as kind, reflective, and helpful as Peter is the greatest joy of my adult life. I love him and his kids.

I feel very little pain about your death compared to the first handful of years. It is easier to talk about you with others, and I often find myself talking about things you did or said. But I can’t read your blog, or watch videos of you online very easily. One of the only thoughts which really hurts is that soon, I will have been without you for longer than I was with you.

We are in the midst of the most significant health crisis this century: A deadly virus called COVID-19 spread in 2020, causing mass lockdowns and waves of death and illness. B.C. is experiencing another major wave right now, with thousands of cases a week, and vaccines are only just beginning to reach working adults. We wear medical and cloth masks in public, we do not go to concerts or clubs, we do not see anyone we do not need to see, and city streets change to allow people to space out in the open air. I spent a good chunk of 2020 studying these phenomena, and how they are affecting marginalized groups. We will not know the full impacts for years, and it will take just as long fully recover. We do not know if pandemics will become common my lifetime, but I hope we learn enough so they don’t.

I am excited to travel. I want to go to the U.K., Japan, Scandinavia, and to see auntie Leesa in Australia. She visited in 2019, right before the pandemic. It was our first time seeing her as adults, and it felt surreal.

This pandemic has thrown a wrench in everyone’s plans, but we have proven something more than being able to survive: resilience. We are still able to achieve such great things while being stuck at home. Your parents, and mine, just got their vaccine, and it has given me a lot of relief. It hurts my heart that I cannot hug them tight in the time when we need it most.

Lucy is turning 12 this year. She is as energetic as ever. The light of my life when I need it most. Little mischievous Lucifer.

This is a pivotal point in my life. During a major global crisis, I am getting ready to enter my career and move out. I am getting ready to really live, and it sucks that you are not here. But you still guide me.

I see myself in you. But I also know it is important to be my own unique person, and to stand up for myself while continually learning.

I will always love you, DKM.

Dad taught me that it is healthy to share what you are going through, and the internet can be a great place to do so. I hope this “conversation” with my Dad 10 years after losing him provides some insights into my buzzing mind. I have a lot of life left to live, and I want to make the most of it.

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The B.C. Crisis centre provides some resources for dealing with grief and loss. There are also several mental health resources from the CMHA. If you or someone you know is in crisis, reach out to a trusted person or a hotline.