While I’m still here, there’s no way to properly capture my time living in London. Maybe in a little while I’ll realize its full impact.
Even so, it’s important for me to share that I am going back home.
In a few weeks, I’m taking a one-way flight – similar to the one I took almost two years ago. Though, this time I’m much less scared.
I’ve only moved across the world once, so at first it was hard to gauge whether my assuredness was normal or not. Hearing stories from other people who have moved back to their home country, I feel content that I’m making the right decision for me.
I hadn’t even left Metrotown before this move. I went from a baby step up the block to a big leap over the pond. And, I was successful!
After the tears subsided from trying to find a London flat during a rental crisis, and trying to figure out how to call my bank from another country (hint: that’s what the country code is for,) I realized it wasn’t as hard as I thought. That is when my confidence began to grow.
However, I had a strong pit-in-my-stomach feeling of homesickness once the adrenaline of setting up a new life wore off. I missed my friends and family. I missed my beautiful city.
Over time, that feeling didn’t go away.
This was hard to face. Was I not putting in enough effort to find happiness? Did all the expats around me feel this conflicted? Turns out, no. Each person who has moved to London from abroad, of which I’ve met hundreds, has a unique set of push-and-pull factors which got them to where they are. Many stayed and settled down, whether happily or not, and many will go back. Some of them will even move again. I won’t close myself off to that, but for now I know where I want to be.
London has become a good friend to me. I found myself wanting to hang out, create memories, and let it tell me stories. It provided countless moments of solace where my homesickness melted away.
London is a place I will talk about like an old flame, daydream about, and make my best efforts to visit again. I am grateful for the countless experiences at museums, exhibits, amazing hole-in-the-wall restaurants, theatres and cinemas, drag shows, parks, and terraced streets. I am also grateful to have found a sense of community in Wimbledon – a beautiful, safe, connected neighbourhood.
Every day seemed to teach me something new about the world, about people, and most importantly about myself. The magic here is indescribable. It is a vast, millennias-old tapestry of culture and placemaking unlike anywhere else.
Some of the memories I will cherish most are the two trips I took with my sister, Meredith. She kindly visited me twice, once to see Scotland and Rome, and this year to see Austria and Germany.
Plus, being able to show Meredith, Mom, Madi, and auntie Leesa my London was food for the soul! I am already excited for my future travels, whether they’re far-flung or close to home.
The decision to go back home was even more difficult than the decision to come here in the first place. Being able to leave my lifelong neighbourhood right after the pandemic, a thirst for travel and cultural experiences, and an amazing job opportunity made the decision to go to the UK relatively easy, compared.
Admitting out loud that I wanted to go back home was hard. I felt guilty for months at the idea of it. Now I am ready, and confident in my decision. I want to be in the city that has the biggest chunk of my heart, and be with the people who I consider my soulmates.
Everyone I’ve told so far has only given me kind support. I am so utterly grateful for those people: ones I live with, ones who made my job full of laughter and learning, and ones who included me in existing friend groups for Santa Cons and Barbie Premiers.
With the ups-and-downs that come with working at a fast-paced tech startup, I am overall grateful for everything I’ve learned and all the amazing, smart people I got to work with. The people are the bottom line of what can make work great.
I’d especially like to thank Bill Dobie, who said to me, “I may have opened the door for you, but you made the decision to walk through it”. There’s a reason so many people admire and love working with him, and I’m grateful to have experienced that for three years.
To anyone in their early careers questioning whether they should move away – for a month, six months, or multiple years – you totally should. Follow your gut, and you’ll likely love it. Even if you go back home, then go somewhere else, and ultimately come back home (or not), you get the privilege of carrying those unique experiences with you forever. These ultimately help shape who you are in a positive way. Cherish every good memory – I sure will.
Thank you to my family and friends, who have shown me unwavering support, given me a place to sleep when I visited home (three times,) and sat on the phone with me on countless mornings, Pacific Time. You kept me grounded, you helped with my dilemmas, you made me feel safe when I was scared and lonely.
I won’t fully understand how this chapter has shaped me until it’s behind me. So far, I can tell I have become more resilient, confident, and strong.
I worked in the world’s buzzing economic centre, built up a Londoner’s tolerance for beer, travelled across the UK and Europe without major mishaps, dealt with trumpet-playing neighbours and restaurant mice, and found a place in my heart for one of the coolest cities on earth. It was all worth it.
As for what I’m doing next, I don’t know quite yet. But, I’m certain I can handle it.
marina miller 